


Syncopation

by Radclyffe



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, M/M, angst with a slightly happier ending, difficult conversations, quite a lot more angst than I expected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:55:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 6,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26755432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Radclyffe/pseuds/Radclyffe
Summary: Syncopation (noun) - the disturbance or interruption of the regular flow of rhythm.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 28





	1. “no, come back!”

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Fictober 2020 challenge. I wasn't going to as I am in the middle of a case fic but I can never resist a challenge.  
> My previous Fictober efforts (2018 and 2019) told their stories over a time frame spanning at least 2-3 years, I wanted to write something much more contained and even claustrophobic this year, so the action takes place over a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon in John's flat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1#

Sherlock doesn’t see it coming. One minute everything is fine. He is engaged in a tea party with two teddies, a smart rag doll (a gift from Molly) and Rosie Watson. He accepts a plastic teacup and lifts it to his lips, pinkie raised to Rosie’s squeal of delight. Behind them at the table John huffs irritably and slams the keys on his laptop. The next moment Sherlock is hot and cold all over and cannot breath.

John’s flat is cosy but not stifling, it is not the lack of air that is causing Sherlock to struggle but a rising tide of inexplicable panic. He cannot rationalise it but knows he must get out, away from the centre of his crisis. He tries to calm himself, so not to alert John to his condition or to alarm his goddaughter who looks at him, wide eyed and curious.

John is focused on the screen, muttering, having abdicated responsibility for entertaining Rosie to his friend the moment Sherlock arrived. He hasn’t noticed that Sherlock is grey and sweating and surreptitiously sliding his arms into his coat to make good his escape.

“I have to go.” Sherlock croaks, the door already open and him halfway through it.

It is then John looks up, glimpses Sherlock’s face and sees what’s written there.

“No, come back!”


	2. “that’s the easy part”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #2

John Watson hasn’t seen that much of Sherlock in the months since the Eurus debacle. He was involved in the Baker Street renovations, although Sherlock managed better than John might have supposed considering he claims little interest in his surroundings.

John’s life is busy, holding down a demanding job and raising a child, though, in some respects, that’s the easy part. It is maintaining a relationship with his best friend that is fraught with difficulty. He knows that he has neglected Sherlock, yet paradoxically John feels neglected by him.

This Saturday, John has guilted his friend into making the trek out to the suburbs to spend the afternoon with him and Rosie. He observes that his friend is quiet, withdrawn even, but makes no mention of it. Sherlock’s been known to go for days without talking (although at other times you just can’t shut him up). Perhaps he should have stopped what he was doing to join with their game of make believe but he has paperwork to catch up on and Sherlock entertaining Rosie is a Godsend.

John doesn’t notice the change in the atmosphere, how could he? There’s no warning. Sherlock’s got his coat on and is at the door before John even looks up. He’s ready to protest until he registers… there’s something very wrong with Sherlock’s breathing.


	3. “back up!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #29

John is torn, he knows he cannot leave a not quite two-year-old unattended but at the same time he is a doctor faced with a person in distress.

“Stay there!” his whispers urgently to his daughter. Unfortunately, Rosie, enthralled by the drama that is being played out around her, has abandoned her teddies’ tea party and is already shuffling towards the door in Sherlock’s wake.

John has no choice but to let her follow him as he sprints to the open door and out into the hallway of his apartment block, where his friend has now collapsed, sprawled, half sitting, half lying, at the top of the outside stairs. Sherlock is still grey, still shaking, still sweating and obviously hyperventilating.

John’s practiced eye surveys his friend for signs of a heart attack or stroke, or seizure but while he isn’t at all happy with Sherlock colour, John concludes it is appropriate to move him and suggests he examine him properly in more comfortable surroundings.

“Come on, back up! Let’s get you inside.” He orders and makes to grab at Sherlock’s coat sleeve to help him stand.

Sherlock flinches, genuinely flinches, the reaction is unmistakable. He physically recoils from John’s outstretched arm and presses against the wall his face a picture of pure terror. An expression John has seen just twice before.


	4. “give me that”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #27

The look on Sherlock’s face immobilises John. He freezes, uncertain how to respond, his instincts as a doctor at war with his obligations as a friend.

They might have stayed like that indefinitely, however the impasse is broken by a small worried voice that comes from behind them.

“Sher?”

Rosie has wandered out into the hallway and is now peering anxiously at Sherlock, lower lip drooping. John realises that he must do everything to protect his daughter, which in this case means helping Sherlock despite his apparent objections. He cannot leave him sprawled on the communal landing. His neighbours may be out, they often are on Saturdays, but they could be back at any moment.

“It’s all ok, honey.” John uses his most soothing tone; it seems to have a beneficial effect on both Rosie and the patient. Sherlock does not reject the proffered hand a second time, instead allows himself to be manhandled back into John’s flat where he is unceremoniously dumped on the sofa.

“Here, give me that.” John helps Sherlock to divest himself of the ridiculously heavy and constricting coat he loves.

“Head between your knees for me, while I find you something to help you with your breathing.”

John heads of to the kitchen, and after a short burst of chuntering, returns triumphant with a paper bag.


	5. “that was impressive”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #6

John holds the bag while Sherlock, under protest, breathes into it. By the second batch of twelve John can hear his breathing beginning to sound like something approximate to normal, Sherlock’s colour is less alarming too.

“Well that was impressive, care to tell me what it was all about?”

Sherlock shakes his head and starts another round of breaths, one, two three… John resumes counting automatically but his mind is on other things. Sherlock’s skin is clammy but no more than one might expect in the aftermath of a full blown panic attack. His eyes stormy and very slightly bloodshot, but the pupils are not particularly dilated.

“Did you take something?” John tell himself his interest is professional, rather than prurient.

Sherlock jerks his head up, “What? No of course not!”

But John has been fooled before and is instantly suspicious of so prompt a denial.

“It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Sherlock’s righteous indignation is assisting his recovery.

“I will not be interrogated on what I may choose to do or not to do with my own body.” Sherlock gasps. “You have no right.”

“I have every right, as a doctor and your friend.” John feels vindicated. “So, you have taken something!”

“I have not, but even if I had, frankly, John, it is no longer any of your business!”


	6. “are you kidding me?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #24

John is cut to the quick by Sherlock’s comment and the vehemence with which it is uttered.

John has always taken a proprietorial attitude to Sherlock’s health. From their very first case when he shot a man to save Sherlock’s life, John has been there to apply salves and stitches to cuts and bruises, thus avoiding the ordeal of the outpatients’ department on more than one occasion. He has provided solace and succour throughout the detective’s highs and lows (of which there have been many) not counting ‘danger nights’. John has considered it his duty, nay privilege to be the one person that Sherlock will allow to minister to him in this fashion.

Admittedly he has not been so conscientious lately, since the death of Mary, but that does not justify Sherlock’s withdrawal of this honour. John’s blood boils, despite the presence of his daughter, his temper and his voice rising.

“Are you kidding me? You come round to my flat… high… or something… can’t breathe… can’t stand, and when I try to help you, look at me as if you’ve seen the hounds of Hell…”

Frustrated John makes to snatch the paper bag from Sherlock’s grasp.

And then Sherlock does it… he really does it. Sherlock lifts his arm to shield his face, as if to ward off a blow.


	7. “you did this?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #3 and week 1 completed

It is John’s turn to recoil; he spins away from Sherlock as if the detective has burned him. His friend appears to genuinely believe that John was about to strike him.

This realisation leaves him stunned, floundering, a host of negative emotions crowding him as John replays the action of the last… he glances at his watch and is astonished to see that it has been less than ten minutes since Sherlock tried to leave.

The look of terror, the fear, the panic attack, the need to escape, John cannot absorb the knowledge that somehow it is he, Sherlock’s best and only friend, that has engendered those responses. It is so far from anything that John can comprehend that he starts to laugh.

“Oh, you bloody drama queen, it is the train carriage all over again. Isn’t it?”

When Sherlock does not reply, John continues.

“What was it in aid of this time? Were you tired of taking tea with a toddler? Did you feel I wasn’t giving you enough attention? You didn’t seriously think I was going to hit you, did you?”

But John has missed the mark, and Sherlock rises unsteadily to his feet.

“Has it slipped your mind that you did this?” he says pointing to his eye, and the jagged thin white line that mars his brow.


	8. “that didn’t stop you before”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #4

It is John’s turn to have trouble breathing; he tries to quash the wave a nausea that threatens to engulf him. The carefully crafted façade, that has taken months to construct, comes tumbling down, exposing the ruins of his and Sherlock’s friendship behind it.

He knows that his behaviour was unjustifiable, although at the time it seemed in some way, which was entirely rational, Mary’s death demanded it… an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a life for a life. Subsequently, John acknowledged that his thought processes had been impaired by grief… and guilt.

John had hoped that the brief hug and birthday cake they shared had drawn a line under the whole episode, a line that the events of Sherringford had more than reinforced. The two of them against the world, wasn’t that what Sherlock had always wanted? Well, certainly they had had that in spades when they fought for survival on that terrible island.

John was so certain that Sherlock understood that the violence was just a temporary aberration, brought on by the stress of his bereavement. John tries to put it into words. “You know I would never…”

Sherlock doesn’t let him finish, “that didn’t stop you before.”

Then John looks at Sherlock’s face, really looks at him, and he cannot argue with the blemish.


	9. “not interested, thank you”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #15

John has retreated to the other side of the room.

The apartment that he shared with Mary, his marital home, impersonal and characterless has never been as homely as 221b but neither has its atmosphere ever seemed so hostile. As he leans against the wall, something inside John longs for the cluttered chaos of Baker Street and his faithful old chair beside the fireplace. Except, he thinks, that chair is no longer his, or even there.

The silence stretches, uncomfortably, and both men shift uneasily as if waiting for a cue. Rosie, calmer now but no less enthralled, peeps from left to right behind her hands, as if not wanting to be caught spying on the most peculiar behaviour of her grownups.

It is Rosie’s presence that forces John to temper his tone.

“What ever it is, Sherlock, please can we just talk about it?”

“Not interested, thank you!” Sherlock snaps immediately.

The swiftness of this reply, and the absolute rejection of John’s overture towards his friend, stings more than he could have imagined, but it is that which appeals to the stubbornness of John’s nature. He asks again.

“Sherlock, can you at least tell me what you think just happened?”

“What is it that you do not understand about ‘not interested’?” Sherlock bounces back.

“Sherlock, please don’t make me beg.”


	10. “you better leave now”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #14 Sherlock POV

Sherlock stares at John for what seems like hours but in fact is only a couple of minutes.

He is not quite certain how the day turned out like this, despite the experiences of the past few years, human emotions are still largely a mystery to the detective. He knew when he woke up this morning that his visit to John was not a good idea. Today was a day for holing up in Baker Street, away from everyone (with the possible exception of Hudders), of staying in his dressing gown, playing his violin, silent and morose.

But he had been bombarded by texts all week from John, regarding his proposed visit and it seemed unreasonable to renege upon his promise, so ordered an Uber and schlepped out to the suburbs. Only once he arrived, he found himself ignored, with only Rosie to entertain him while his friend tapped angrily on his laptop.

Sherlock isn’t quite sure what triggered the attack, the silence or the anger but baffled by the nuances of human interaction, he thought John would be glad to see him go. But now John appears to be begging him to stay, Sherlock is torn, did John always have this power to manipulate him?

 _Then you better leave now,_ Sherlock tells himself, _if that is what you truly believe._


	11. “do we have to?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #23

John waits. Sherlock watches.

He watches the mixture of emotions that cross John’s face, the doctor never could hide anything from the detective. Sherlock knows the very second that John will speak, and he knows exactly what he will say next.

“Sherlock, please, sit down.”

Sherlock gives himself an A* but doesn’t make a move.

John tries again. “Please, sit down and let us talk about this.”

“Do we have to?”

Sherlock’s speaks with that peculiar strain of bland indifference he has so perfected. John bristles a little at the sound of it but tries not to let it show. He understands that time is running out for them to ever repair the damage they have inflicted on each other over the years that they have been friends. It used to be the two of them against the world, now it just seems to be the two of them against each other. He refuses to give up, whatever Sherlock wants, the stakes are far too high.

“I need you to tell me what’s wrong, Sherlock, I can’t deduce it like you can, though I might hazard a guess. I know you would rather we ignored it, well as you can imagine, so would I. But if we don’t tackle this canker in our friendship, it will just fester until it bursts.”


	12. “give me a minute or an hour”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #17

Sherlock sits, not because John tells him to but because he is so very, very tired.

It is exhausting trying to navigate the minefield of human relationships, one minute you are walking along quite peacefully, the next everything has blown up in your face. No surprise then, that he never did ‘friends’, just surviving one is enough.

He closes his eyes, the attack, or whatever it was, has taken it out of him. He needs space to review its details, but he parks that for a moment and allows his mind to wander off at a tangent. He wonders whether things might have been different if Victor had not been killed, if they had grown up together, would he have learned the mechanics of friendship then? Sherlock cannot change the past, but suspects not.

John is talking, Sherlock has missed the start of what he said and is slow to hide the fact. 

“Did you hear any of that?”

Sherlock has the grace to look shame faced, and slowly shakes his head.

“I asked you to talk things over with me, perhaps give me a chance to explain.”

“Fine, I’ll give you fifteen minutes.”

“It will make no difference if you give me a minute or an hour if you are not prepared to listen.”

“Well, I am listening now… begin.”


	13. “unacceptable, try again”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #5

“Wait a moment.” John signals to Sherlock as he picks up the remote and aims it at the television. A garish animation fills the screen, and a delighted Rosie turns towards it.

“I can’t do much about the audience I am afraid, but we might at least try to keep it distracted.”

Sherlock nods in agreement, Rosie’s presence disturbs him, but he hopes she may have a calming influence on John.

Sherlock does not want a scene; he hasn’t sought this showdown although he has unwittingly caused it. The only post-mortems he is interested in are the ones performed by Molly on murdered corpses, but John is not about to let things go.

“Sherlock…” He pauses and searches for the words, his face a picture.

“John.”

John takes a breath and starts again, “Sherlock. I deeply regret what happened at the hospital, I have apologised, and I will apologise again if that is what you require. I am so very sorry for what happened, please believe that I would never lift a finger against you.”

“Unacceptable, try again”

John looks aghast, as if he has been struck.

Sherlock sighs, “The Hospital, the Landmark, the café, the chippy, the wedding, the aquarium, your letter. Whether is it physical, emotional or metaphorical, John, I am so very tired of being your punch ball.”


	14. “you don’t see it?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #18

“I asked you to listen, Sherlock. You said you’d give me fifteen minutes, instead you gave me fifteen seconds. Is that really being fair?”

Sherlock looks for his coat, he wants to make a move again, but John has put it out of reach. It is on a chair the other side of the room, where John left it on the way to the kitchen. Now Sherlock cannot get it without walking past John and for some unaccountable reason he has no wish to do that. He is trapped for the duration. His only choice is to retaliate.

“At the time I was under the impression that you had something new to say. Stupid of me, I admit.”

“You always have to have the last word!”

“And you don’t?” Sherlock snapped, before adding quietly, “John, John… I will go to my grave regretting the part I played in Mary’s death. Cut me open and you will find the word Norbury engraved on my heart. If I could have done anything, even taken her place I would have. But what is wrong between us started a long time before that.

“You don’t see it, do you John? Or if you do you won’t acknowledge it, but the truth is you have never forgiven me for faking my death and leaving you behind.”


	15. “I can’t do this anymore”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #19

There it hangs, the pivotal moment, when they stopped being two men against the world and became two men against each other.

John is instantly transported to the forecourt of Bart’s Hospital, to the taxicab and cyclist, to the phone call from the roof and the blood splattered pavement. He hears himself cry out, ‘He’s my friend.’

The fact that it was fake does not make the memories less real. Sherlock’s death cost his friend dearly, in the coin of heartache and sleepless nights; but his resurrection cost him more, in the one currency John was always loath to part with… his trust.

He never trusted easily, not from childhood, but John trusted Sherlock from the first, and look how that trust was repaid.

“I know you want to think that you have forgiven me,” Sherlock is speaking “Because that is what decent Englishmen do, but it was never more than skin deep. You look at everything you have suffered since, from your marriage to an assassin, to the birth of a daughter and the ties you never wanted, to the grief for a woman whose real name you never knew and you blame me for it. But I can’t do this anymore… this going over of old ground, trying to fix what can’t be fixed, it will destroy us both.”


	16. “did I ask?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #20

“What did I ask?” Captain Watson assumes command, hoping that the voice can still work its magic, he is running out of ideas.

Sherlock rolls his eyes but subconsciously sits up a little straighter, allowing John to relax.

“I asked you for fifteen minutes, Sherlock, could you at least give me that? I know you think you have heard it all before, but not this you haven’t.”

Sherlock nods, “go on.”

John draws a breath, “It is curious isn’t it, that you are the self-proclaimed sociopath, yet really you’re all heart while I’m the one who struggles with emotions.”

He lifts his hand to quash Sherlock’s rising protest, “Fifteen minutes.”

“I could never work out if you were joking when you said my friends all hated me, you probably thought you were, but in fact, like a lot of your inspired guesses, you rather hit the nail on the head. You used me to navigate the world human feelings for you as if I had the map, but the truth is I suck at relationships, and always have. I was a lousy son, a worse husband, and am a failure as a brother, father and friend.

“I’ve always had a temper, lashed out when I should have listened, I was in the wrong and I’m not trying to excuse my behaviour.”


	17. “I never wanted anything else”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #16

“I can’t tell you why I am like this, God knows I have had enough therapy to last a lifetime. I can’t complain about my rotten childhood, because that honestly didn’t happen, and compared to yours it was a picnic. Yes, Harry was the golden girl, dad’s favourite, playing darts and supping pints, a chip of the old block while, I, the son of the family, had his nose stuck in a book. I wasn’t naturally clever like Harry, I had to work at it, and she always knew what buttons to press to make me feel inferior.

“It was better once I qualified and enlisted; you could say I found my niche. I still had a temper, but I was better at controlling it until it all went to hell, and I was invalided out and was at the end of my rope, and then I met you. Although you never treated me as an equal, I was the nearest thing you had. It meant something to be your friend, the only one. I loved working with you and I never wanted anything else. I trusted you, Sherlock, but you didn’t trust me, so I still wasn’t good enough.”

Sherlock, wide eyed at this, protests. “You are saying this is about you feeling inferior? John… you have met my brother.”


	18. “I’m not doing that again”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #8

“Point taken.” John concedes, Mycroft probably makes the Queen feel inferior. It is strange to think that there is someone cleverer than him, so clever that she needs to be incarcerated for the good of humanity.

John shakes his head to clear his thoughts of Big Brother, he can’t afford to be distracted, time marches on.

“If Mycroft makes you feel like that then imagine how it feels for me, a doctor and a soldier to always be the slow one, the one that needs to be protected. The one who can’t be trusted, who will give the game away.

“The one who always needs you to rock up and rescue them, whether it’s from a Semtex vest, or a bonfire or the bottom of a well. I am sick of playing the damsel in distress to your dragon slayer.”

Sherlock’s head shoots up at this, he knows he is supposed to be listening, but he can’t let John get away with that.

“You’re the slow one? Have you even read your blog? The greatest man you ever knew and the stupidest. Mycroft treats me like a child, but then he’s my older brother, what’s your excuse? ”

John is immediately deflated. “I’m sorry, I’m not doing that again.”

Sherlock makes a disgusted sound, “says the man who appointed himself my babysitter.”


	19. “and neither should you”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #22

He looks at Sherlock with surprise, it has never occurred to John that his light-hearted teasing hurt his feelings. After all, this is the man who always prided himself on his absolute lack of feelings to be hurt, who didn’t bat an eyelid when the officers at the Met called him _freak_ , or that chinless wonder, Sebastian Wilkes, ridiculed his powers.

Sherlock just popped his collar and carried on.

Good natured ribbing has always been a part of John Watson’s life, from the lads at the rugby club to the officers’ mess, he’d given as good as he got. But come to think of it, Sherlock did tend to take things very literally, and only understand words in their literal and logical sense. Double entendres, and how something could mean the opposite of what has been said, simply passed him by… and as for irony…

It cuts John that his blog, designed to promote and praise his remarkable friend, has been the source of pain.

“I wish you had said something earlier, challenged me about my comments on the blog. I suppose that is one thing you can say about Mary, she never stood for any of my crap, and neither should you.

“I never meant you to take it seriously, it was just a bit of joshing… you know… banter.”


	20. “watch me”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #12

_Banter._ Sherlock trawls his mind palace for a definition. _Playful exchange._

He is taken aback, playful is not a term that has featured much in his life. Now he knows about his sister, he begins to understand the cold reserve that underscored his relationship with his parents, no fun there, and as for Mycroft… his sense of humour was positively perverse.

Rudi was a scream, but he faded from his life after Sherlock started school. School! Ten years, friendless and unfriendly, lonely and alone.

John moved into Baker Street and brought laughter with him. Whether it was chasing a cabbie down the back streets of London or dealing with a severed head in the fridge, theirs had been a roller coaster ride of a friendship. Despite the ups and downs, and John’s temper, they had had a lot of fun. The only friend that Sherlock had ever had, or so he thought. So what if John hurt him sometimes, with his banter? Sherlock, untried in the art of friendship just thought that was what friends did and followed John’s lead. Because John’s friendship was the most precious thing that life had given him.

Sherlock admits he threw it all away.

“I’m sorry, John, I should never have made you watch me die. It was too much to ask you to bear.”


	21. “all I ever wanted”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #10

“That wasn’t it.” John puts up his hand as Sherlock tries to speak. “Still listening, my fifteen minutes isn’t up yet.

“That was bad, that was the stuff of nightmares, and believe me that’s not a metaphor, I relived it every night for months. No, what got me was that you swanned into the Landmark, right in the middle of my proposal date, with your fake moustache and your cod French accent and you turned the last two years of my life into a pantomime.”

Sherlock blinks, and blinks, John can read his thought processes in the look of concentration on his face.

Slowly a revelation begins to dawn on John, he looks at Sherlock in a new light as he begins to understand something truly fundamental about his friend. That Sherlock, for all his marvellous intelligence, rattling off deductions at four hundred words per minute, has no conception of the subtle nuances of humour. Sherlock reduced John’s life of pain and loss into one big joke, because he believed that is what friends do. That they hurt each other as a sign of affection.

“All I ever wanted Sherlock, was for you not to be dead, but what I wanted was a miracle, not to discover I’d been the victim of a hoax. That it had all been a bluff.”


	22. “will you look at this?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #9

“All I am asking Sherlock, is will you look at this from my perspective? I know empathy isn’t your area, but could you just try to understand what it was like?”

“It wasn’t exactly a picnic for me.” Sherlock retorts.

John doesn’t know the details of what Sherlock went through the two years he was away. Oh, he’s sure it started out some grand _Boys’ Own_ adventure, dashing around the globe in a variety of disguises and silly accents. Sherlock would have been in his element, he always had something of the frustrated showman about him. But that wasn’t the full story, John’s seen the scars. Not when they were raw (although he cringes at the thought of Sherlock’s back hitting the Landmark’s floor) but months later, when they were well on the way to fading to thin white lines and his wife gave Sherlock another one for good measure. That’s the thing about Sherlock’s scars, one way or another John put them there.

“And what about the others?”

“What others?”

“Mrs Hudson, and Lestrade, and all the little people who lived in fear of Moriarty’s agents across his web? Did you ever think of them?

“I needed you not to follow me, I needed you to believe I was dead. Would you have done if you hadn’t seen my body?”


	23. “sometimes you can even see”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #25

“There were thirteen different scenarios as to what might have happened on that rooftop. I knew Moriarty was out to destroy me, I wanted to avoid dying if at all possible. I didn’t realise at first that I would need to avoid your death as well.

“My first instinct was to take you with me, medical and military back up, but no prizes for guessing who vetoed that. Then I argued that we should at least keep you in the loop but that was also considered too dangerous. Mycroft countered that if you had the slightest inclination that I was still alive you’d go looking for me.

“Surely sometimes you can even see his point John. You’re drawn to danger like a moth to a flame, you can’t resist, and I wanted to prevent your wings being scorched. Just look what happened while you were left to you own devises, you took up with the first assassin who crossed you path.”

John laughs, and for the first time there is genuine warmth in it, “I can’t help myself.” He pauses and then adds “I’ll always wonder, about Mary, if our meeting really was by chance.”

Mycroft would have produced the dossier, the unequivocal evidence that Mary Morstan’s employment at John’s surgery had been entirely tactical, but Sherlock cannot be as brutal.


	24. “this, this makes it all worth it”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #21

Rosie makes a noise; the DVD has finished, and she turns her attention to her daddy and his friend. She is sensitive to atmospheres and her small soul is comforted by the quiet mummering of their voices, the earlier dramatics are quite forgotten.

“After you died it was if I was cut adrift; Mary, whatever her motives, grounded me, and I needed that.”

Sherlock nods to signal his understanding, he’s had his share of weightlessness the past few years.

“But if I am honest, I am the kind of man who is not cut out for marriage. Jeanette hit the nail on the head when she said I was more committed to you and the life we led together than anyone I happened to be seeing at the time. I can’t say for certain if you hadn’t left that I wouldn’t have become so involved with someone, but I suspect that is the truth. A life of domesticity was never really on my agenda, until you died, but just look at me now.”

With this John stands and swoops Rosie into his arms. “My marriage may have been a mistake but this, this makes it all worth it.”

Rosie delighted with her father’s sudden attention, offers him a plastic slice of cake, and then, something of an afterthought, her teddy bear.


	25. “do I have to do everything here?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #28

John holds his daughter tight. He has fucked up so many relationships, son, brother, friend… fatherhood seems like his last chance.

John looks at Sherlock, immeasurably sad, he had convinced himself that things were good between them, that everything they had been through had restored the balance. But in truth his guilty feelings have caused him to avoid Sherlock, and Sherlock finds that easier because the trust has gone.

“Thank you” John says, “thank you for at least listening. I know you don’t do sentiment.”

Sherlock wants to laugh at this (but even he knows it would be inappropriate), because if he has learnt one thing in the last five years it is that he does have a heart whereas it is John, temper aside, who is the expert at the stiff upper lip.

“Do I have to do everything here, Sherlock? Nothing you want to say?”

Sherlock knows that neither he nor John are any good at this sort of thing… introspection. It carries too much weight which is probably why they constantly deflect the pain and hurt each other with it. It is no surprise that two people who made such an instant, powerful connection, equally have the ability to destroy each other.

 _We will carry on like this for ever_ , Sherlock thinks, _unless one of us is brave._


	26. “yes I did, what about it?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #7

John looks thoughtful, Sherlock recognises that expression. He bites the bullet.

“You have questions?”

John doesn’t need prompting twice.

“There is something I’ve always wanted to ask, I wondered about it a lot while you were… you know…”

“Dead?”

“Yes, and before, when you were obsessed with Moriarty, and That Woman.”

Sherlock doesn’t correct John’s misnomer; he knows the antipathy that informs it. He’s opening a can of worms but still says encouragingly, “go on.”

John fumbles for his next words, “you see I did wonder, at the beginning, that first evening at Angelo’s, and after I shot the cabbie. But then it seemed rather arrogant, we’d only just met. We knew nothing about each other… likes and dislikes… that sort of thing…”

John trails off again and Sherlock swallows down a huff of impatience, he knows what John is angling at, but wants to hear him say it.

“Only I did wonder, despite the ‘married to my work’ thing, I did wonder, once or twice…” John shuffles slightly, “I did wonder if you liked me, a little bit more than just a friend.”

And there it is, the elephant in all its glory.

“Yes, I did, what about it?”

“Nothing, only… perhaps if you had been honest at the time it might have saved us both a lot of bother.”


	27. “I told you so”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #11

_Bother,_ Sherlock thinks, _and what exactly does John mean by that?_ He studies his friend’s face but astonishingly he can deduce nothing.

Bother is very much a Mycroft kind of word, particularly when used in connection with the name Sherlock. It goes without saying that Sherlock has delighted in causing his older sibling as much ‘bother’ as humanly possible for years.

But what does John mean that he, Sherlock, could have saved him a lot of bother, unless… unless he means that John would not have moved into 221b in the first place?

This roller coaster day of dealing with emotions is exhausting. Sherlock has had enough; he’ll have to ask and get it out of the way.

John doesn’t exactly blush, but the tips of his ears go a pleasing pink.

“Well, you know, you might have told me how you felt instead of all that… I am a machine nonsense.”

Sherlock bristles at this. Over the past five years he has saved his friend’s life more than once, cured his limp, endured hardship and torture including planning his wedding. What on earth did John think his best man’s speech was about?

“I told you so a thousand times.” He splutters, indignant.

“Sherlock, I don’t have your powers. When it comes to deductions, you’ve said yourself, I am remarkably blind.”


	28. “how about you trust me for once?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #26

Sherlock waits for the light to dawn. Watching John’s cognitive processes in action is always something of an ordeal, but this afternoon, and under the present circumstances they are nothing less than torture.

Sherlock thinks to himself, _why am I still here?_

John seems to have come to a decision.

“I’d like, if I may, to try an experiment.”

Sherlock is shocked, this is not what he expected. Experiment? John has never been one for experiments, even in the name of science. The fuss he kicked up when he found out about his drugged coffee was proof of that. No wonder he never told John about his missing Wednesday.

“Experiment?” Sherlock asks tentatively.

“You know, test a hypothesis, prove a known fact.”

“I know what an experiment is John, what I don’t understand is your sudden urge to engage in one.”

“I have my reasons, but I prefer to keep them to myself at present.”

“I’m not sure I like being kept in ignorance.”

“That’s a bit rich.” John retorts, then quickly adds. “How about you trust me for once? Think of yourself in the control group.”

“And if I do?”

“We’ll try the experiment, if it works that’s good, if not well then we’re quits, we’ll draw a line, stop raking over old coals, I promise I’ll leave you be.”


	29. “I trust you”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #31

Negotiating the stormy waters of their friendship has become too much for Sherlock and the idea of being ‘let be’ is infinitely attractive, but Sherlock is also not one to resist a challenge. John has dangled the ‘worm’ of an experiment in front of his friend, and Sherlock is hooked.

“What kind of experiment?”

“Nothing dangerous, nothing painful I assure you, but apart from that I’d rather not say.”

Sherlock nods, fair enough, he won’t deny John his element of mystery.

“You just have to trust me,” John continues, “I appreciate in present circumstances, that is a big ask.”

Strangely enough, it isn’t. Sherlock may find his friendship with John fraught, damaging even terrifying at times, but his secret mission and faked death were never about trust. He has never not trusted John and says so easily.

“I trust you,” 

“Good,” John says, reaching for his phone and scrolling, “I’ll just go and get madam ready.”

“We’re going out?” Sherlock exclaims.

John smiles at Sherlock, his beautiful smile that lights up his face, “Nothing’s going to happen Sherlock, without your full consent, I promise.

“It’s strange isn’t it?” John muses, “People always regard me as the sociable one but in truth I only have one friend, and as I’d do anything to keep him, you rather have me over a barrel.”


	30. “I missed this”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #13

Sherlock, John and Rosie are in a cab speeding its way from the suburbs back into central London. The night is falling, and the streetlights reflect on the wet roads, making the space inside the taxi feel cocooned and vaguely otherworldly.

Rosie, in the logic known only to the toddler mind has elected to sit on Sherlock’s lap for the duration of the journey. Startled, Sherlock rises to the challenge, and snuggled into his coat, Rosie listens intently as his deep voice elucidates the distinguishing characteristics of the soil around Putney Bridge. John listens too.

“I missed this.”

“What?”

“Sitting in the back of a cab while you expound some scientific nonsense that only you find significant which turns out is the convicting evidence in the murder of a woman in Streatham twenty years ago.”

Sherlock turns to look at John but from what he can make out he isn’t being teased. John is sat back in his seat, smiling, he seems happier, more relaxed somehow away from his flat.

“What I meant was,” John whispers, “I missed you.”

Between minding Rosie and this confession, Sherlock is so distracted he hardly notices his surroundings until the cab pulls up outside a familiar destination.

“Close,” he says to John as he pays the driver, “Only it wasn’t Streatham, it was Tooting Bec.” 


	31. “just say it”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #30

Angelo the archetypal family man, is delighted with Rosie and promises something special for _la bambina._ He brings a candle for the table and a highchair for Rosie and scolds our heroes for staying away so long.

The restaurant is quiet and cosy, with Rosie occupied by bread sticks, after the stressful afternoon, the two men appreciate the silence and their wine, as they wait for their meals.

Sherlock’s attention is suddenly drawn from the window towards John who licks his lips and says.

“So, you don’t have a girlfriend?”

“What?” Sherlock exclaims, puzzled, “you know I don’t.”

“Just say it,” John replies, “you remember the words.”

Sherlock suddenly deduces why John has brought them here. Angelo’s saw the beginning of their friendship but was also where the direction it took was decided. That first rejection that has determined everything since.

“Girlfriend, no, not really my area.”

“Oh right, you have a boyfriend then. Which is fine by the way.”

“I know it is fine.” Sherlock is warming to the role, “No, no boyfriend… at present.”

“So, you’re unattached like me,” John smiles shyly, “Sherlock, I appreciate we’ve had our ups and downs, and they will not be easy to overcome, but would you possibly consider me to fill the vacancy?”

“The vacancy?” Sherlock queries.

“In the position as your boyfriend.”


End file.
